The Boob Squish and Vampires!

Did you miss me?

So sorry. My doctor decided to give me several birthday gifts. None of which I really wanted but apparently needed. This is what happens when you turn 50!

1. I received, without ceremony, a Cologaurd box. No, I did not want this for my birthday. But…butt- HA! Anyway, I got this box and followed the instructions and THEN had to take it to a UPS office. Do you understand the level of embarrassment there? The best part that made me burst out laughing in UPS was when I turned around and found 3 others holding the same box. Happy Birthday to us! FYI- the cologaurd box wasn’t hard to do. Gross? OMG, yes. But it was far better than having a colonoscopy. Just so you know.
2. The Boob Squish. Argh. I get it. I am old. It sucks. Having two plexiglass plates compress body parts into the thickness of a pancake is not fun. On the other side, I did go in my 30’s and they found something(s). Something(s) that required surgery. I will put up with the squish, but it does not mean I have to like it.
3. VAMPIRES! They are now hiring vampires as phlebotomists. Dude, they took enough blood to satisfy even Dracula’s appetite. They left me woozy and in need of fruit juice and a cookie. I donate blood regularly and never felt that drained.
4. Scales everywhere. I had to weigh-in so many times and in so many offices, but the weight never matched! What the hell! Do they plan it like that to scare us? I am down nearly a stone (according to my scale) but none of theirs registered that amount. Kind of a slap to the ego right there.
5. Spectacles, not testicles. And now I must update the glasses perched on my face. Haven’t made that appointment yet cuz- argh.

So tired of being reminded of my age by every avenue out there. Do you have any idea how costly it is? I have insurance that covers most of it, but I will get an out of pocket bill. Glasses aren’t free either. Let’s not forget the ego blast. Yes, I am 50 but I don’t have one foot on a banana peel and the other in a grave. Geesh.

We will get back to The Novel Writer’s Toolkit by Bob Mayer next time. I am now going to call around for a good place to get my eyes checked and find glasses that aren’t totally horrible for my face. Wish me luck.