does not exist.
Please note: As I write this I will refer to men being in the friend zone- I do realize that women can put themselves in this category too, but…just go with it.
Let’s see if I can give this topic justice…
The friend zone is not a place you are put, it is a place you put yourself.
Women believe that they can be friends with men and there not be any required attraction involved. I have done this. Apparently, I’m stupid that way. So I will tell you my story… queue Scooby-Doo flashback sequence.
Many, many…many, moons ago I believed that I could have friends of the opposite sex. Little did I know how wrong I was. I had a “friend” who I spoke with daily and hung out with often. I never saw any sign that he had any kind of interest in me beyond a buddy, which was good because I had none for him.
It wasn’t until I had been dating someone and the relationship became a bit rocky that my friend decided that was the perfect opportunity to make a grand gesture and declare his love for me in a very uncomfortable way. He said that he was sick of me sticking him in the friend zone and that I should see him as “the one.”
Okay- let’s stop here for a moment. I did not place this person in the friend zone. HE placed himself there. HE chose to not share HIS feelings with me which would have allowed me a choice in how I viewed our friendship as a whole. He was my friend and that was all. If he saw the relationship in any other way that was on him.
Seriously people- They did not offer Mind Reading: 101 in college and if they did it wasn’t a class I knew about. The crazy thing is they want to blame you for putting them in a corner and using them for moral support. The truth is, yes, there are men and women out there that will do just that. They will use you if given the chance. People suck. But, don’t lump us all into the same category. My friend was someone I held in high regard until that very moment. I did not realize his feelings were more than just friends. Blaming me did nothing to advance his position in my eyes. I lost a friend that day.
The friend zone isn’t a real thing. What it is, is a way to blame someone else for not seeing you as you wish to be seen. I never suspected that my friend had feeling for me and I even doubt that they went beyond sexual. He was my friend but I knew that he would not have been someone I chose as a boyfriend or “the one”. He dated while we hung out and the way he treated his lady friends around me was enough reason for me to never consider him as a possible boyfriend. I look back now and wonder if it was his feeble attempt at making me jealous if it was- he failed miserably.
So here is some advice to those of you who relegated YOURSELVES to the friend zone- LET YOURSELF OUT. Tell the person that you like them. Tell them that you would like an opportunity to show them that you are worthy of the title boyfriend/girlfriend. But you have to be willing to accept the word no as a response. Just because you want it doesn’t mean they do. The answer, “I don’t want to lose our friendship,” is a real answer. “No,” is a complete sentence. They could also surprise you with a resounding “YES” and declare their undying love for you. You won’t know until you try.
But be prepared to lose a friend, as I did. He blamed me for his broken heart even though I had no idea I held that power. My heart broke over the friend I lost. His heart broke because he held a secret and then blamed me for not accepting his desires with open arms.
The friend zone is more like the blame zone. It’s the place a person puts themselves so they can blame another for their unrequited feelings. I had no control over his feelings just as he had none over mine. Learn to take control and speak your truth, but be prepared for the response.
***Thank you too, Heather M.H., for sharing this conversation with me last night. I hope I did it justice.***
If you have suggestions for future topics, please, leave a suggestion in the comment section.
Until next time –