What do you do when you are no longer able to speak to a person you NEED to speak to? What do you do with the words and feelings and emotion that is eating at you because of said person?
I’m stuck with regret. I’m stuck with the knowledge that waiting for the “right time” a way of delaying what needed to be done until waiting turned into the end and never having the opportunity to make things right. Well, maybe not right, but better- solid. I will never get to say the things I dreamt of saying or asking the questions that ate at me for most of my life. But, because I needed it to be the right time, my time ran out.
Friends have told me to write it down, read it out loud, and then tear it up or burn it. But it would be lacking. I won’t get to look him in the face and see his reaction or hear a response. He got off easy and I get to carry this load of “what if’s” for the rest of my life. Nothing new there, I’ve been carrying it for over 40 years what a few more.
The saddest part is, my children are learning to separate and close doors too. Instead of facing things head on and fixing them right away, I have taught them to close the door, turn their backs and wait for the “right time.” They hurt each other and people without thinking and live on the fault hope that the “right time,” will present itself and all will be right with the world. How sad is that? I shut doors to people who were harmful to me and my simple little family. I separated myself from the past that would come out and bite for the sheer joy of inflicting pain. Problem is- the pain is seeping in in other ways.
Now I have to deal with time running out and opportunities being missed. Words that will never get to be said and actions have fallen still. Do I regret it? I’m not sure. I have moments of, “The phone works both ways. They could have…” and then I have other times where I attack myself and say I could just as easily picked up the phone and made that same call. Who was right?
We were both wrong in a multitude of ways. But, I’m still here and I can fix what needs fixing in my life now. I can stop the delays and mark the right time as now in my calendar. There will still be people that I will not reach out too. There are just some who do not deserve to be in my life in any aspect and I am good with that choice. But, there are some who were held at bay because of the actions of another. It is time to find peace in my little slice of the world.
It is time to…Find joy. Be joy. Enjoy.