I got the feels today…

Emotions can run raw at the drop of a hat for a multitude of reasons and I happen to have a list forming in my life. Argh- I’m tired of being trapped in my head and heart because of things I have no control over. I hurt for me. I hurt for my family. I hurt for those that don’t claim me.

Here’s a lesson for men- if you father a child you need to be there. Yes, it does have an effect growing up without a stable male role model. I did not have a father in my life. My step-father was less than impressive. I had to figure out the rules of men all on my own and…in the beginning, I failed, horribly. And it is your fault. I failed to see the value, the strength, and the power of the love given by a father to his child. I never experienced that level of absolute love and acceptance from a man.

Until the Hubs. What I did find was a man strong enough to build my dictionary and references for the word: father. He planted a seed and nurtured it. Allowed it to grow in my heart and expand my belief in men, or well, maybe just him.

How was it so easy for you to walk away from the children you created? Did it bother you at all? Did you pause for just a moment? We know you left. You moved forward and built a whole new family that did not include us. Why? Was I (we) imperfect? Flawed? Less than? If I was it was because of you. Your DNA runs through my body. Your flaws are part of me, bruised me, and now I am flawed because of your actions. I lacked information. I did not know what a father was. What his purpose was. Why he was important in the growth of a child. Now…I know. And not because of you. I learned by watching and listening to the things my husband did with our children. He showed me the value of a strong male role model. The impact is profound. I felt it then and I feel it now.

You were/are selfish. You were thinking only of you. You once told me it was because my mother made it hard on you. Do you think she made it easy on us? If she was brutal to a full grown man what do you think she did to her children? She blamed me for you leaving. It was my job to hold your sham of a marriage together. That is a burden no child should ever have placed on them. But it was mine. It didn’t help that I am a spitting image of you. Lucky me!

So, men, if you spawn a child be responsible. If you aren’t ready for children or doubt your relationship is stable enough to support a child- DON’T HAVE ONE! Here’s an idea- wear a condom or better yet, abstain. Problem solved. Be responsible. Otherwise, be a parent who is there. Teach your children what it means to be a man. Boys need a good example of what it means to be a strong, kind, and loving man. Little girls need to she their value in the eyes of a man that loves them completely. This will determine the men they chose to spend their lives with.

I will be 48 in a few weeks. Not having a father around still has an impact on my life. Now that he is fighting for his it has become more painful. Time is running out and I’m not sure I have the energy to try or care. Hmmm…apparently I do care and it confuses me.
THIS IS YOUR PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FOR TODAY- Sorry for the rant, but you are my captive audience and I needed someone to listen to me whine.

Off to do better things with my life!

Off to…Find joy. Be joy. Enjoy

# I just recieved word at 5:54 pm- he died.

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