We all know there is a list of calls that no one wants to get: accident, sick, dying, and death. I received one of these calls today. And now I am sitting here confused as to how to feel.
You see, it is in regards to my father. The man who left me in the dust nearly 48 years ago and barely looked back. How am I supposed to feel? I tried a few times to reach out and build a relationship and all of those attempts were ignored. So, now I am sitting here floundering between sadness and indignation.
Part of this phone call basically informed me that I was an after-thought. I was the, “I guess maybe we should call her,” moment in the process. That’s just another slap in the face. He turned his back and built an entire life and family that did not include me. I have siblings that I didn’t grow up with. Family members that aren’t on my Christmas card list. Who’s fault is it? Mine? I am an adult. His? Because I wasn’t worthy to be included in his life?
Why am I crying? Why does he matter? Why didn’t he love me enough to keep his heart open to me? And now I feel guilty for making it all about me! Argh! Now I feel like a self-centered ass. He’s laying in a hospital bed several states away and I am sitting here whining about how my daddy didn’t love me. How pathetic can I get?
But the reality is I feel hurt, confused, concerned and lost right now. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what I can do, and if I can do anything. Like I said, I’m not part of this family unit. I’m an after-thought. But, I’m still his child. His oldest daughter. 😥
As always friends…
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Find joy. Be joy. Enjoy.