Satire

I wrote this for an English course I attended recently. Money I will never get back for time I wasted. Argh! But, then I wrote this.

1945 Instructions for Your First Gynecological Visit

As in most social situations there are etiquettes to follow. This is a compilation of a few such rules for the first visit to the gynecologist. If this is your first visit with this gentleman doctor you must follow these rules closely:

  1. Bathing beforehand is a must.
  2. Avoid lotions, potions, powders, and smells. You do not know what your doctor’s preferences are so please omit all perfumes.
  3. Comfortable clothing that are easily removable and do not wrinkle easily after being tossed aside.
  4. For this first visit you must be at least 30 minutes early to fill out 45 minutes worth of paperwork followed by an addition 30 minute wait. We suggest you bring a book or a needle point project.
  5. Once the nurse collects you and escorts you to the examination room you will be asked an additional 15 minutes worth of questions that you already answered in the packet of forms you filled out in the waiting area.
  6. Follow the instructions given by the nurse on the disrobing requirements for this visit.
  • Remember: Do not pull too tightly on the flimsy gown provided. Being thread bare they tend to tear. If torn more of you will remain exposed for a much longer period of time.
  1. Once you have settled on the thin paper liner on the chillingly cold table be prepared for an additional wait. During such time, please, read each and every educational and informational poster provided, twice.
  2. Once the gentleman doctor arrives, ensure you introduce yourself properly. He will be seeing you naked after all. Niceties are required when intimacies are concerned.
  3. It is understandable if you, as the patient, become nervous, but you are in the presence of a highly educated man who knows what he is doing. Please, be courteous to your doctor. Keep your swooning to a minimum. He will make his interests known, if at all, by the end of your appointment.
  4. Follow all instructions your doctor asks of you. He must be thorough in his examination, please, remain calm and place your feet into the stirrups.
  5. Loud noises and sounds should be avoided as they may disturb patients filling out paperwork in the waiting room. Be courteous to others.
  6. Your doctor will make it known when he is finished with the examination. He will provide you with a diagnosis if necessary and inform you if follow up visits will be required. Follow all instructions given. A nurse will be sent to escort you out.
  7. Upon the doctor’s exit, take the time necessary to dress completely and wipe away any signs of distress.
  8. Once your nurse collects you, please, be aware that any complaints will fall on deaf ears. She wants to keep her job after all.

Congratulations! You have successfully maneuvered your way through your first gynecological visit. These are a necessity to your feminine health. Be prepared to complete at least one visit each year forever. More visits will become required once you marry and your husband decides he is ready to begin his family.

Being a woman is a blessing! Welcome to the club. What fun!

 

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