Query from HELL~

confused     I suck at queries. No, really, I SUCK. They are hard and frustrating. How can one page drive a writer crazy? If I had the balls this is what I would write. But…I actually want an agent sooo…

Enjoy the chuckle.

Dear “Agent of the day that I am begging to read my stuff,”

Well, according to all the guidelines I have read on how to write the perfect query, this is where I am supposed to personalize my query letter to fit your requirements. I would not have queried you if my work did not fit within your parameters. You’re welcome.

This is the spot where I am to “grab” your attention. Do I have your attention? Yes? Good. Here is where I am to list all your accomplishments and pat you on the back for being an awesome agent…Great Job, (name)! And I mean this.

Now to give you a bit of an over view of my completed novel, O-bitch-uary falls within the General/Women’s fiction genre, the word count is currently 171 thousand. Will that be the final count, no, it may grow, but I am sure you would rather see it shrink. That could happen too.

Now to the “meat” of the letter, my novel, Title:

This is where I am supposed to tell you the ENTIRE plot of a 400 page book in a paragraph. If I could do that why would I write a 400 page book?

And now a bit about me, I am a wife of 26 years, a mother of two rockin’ awesome daughters, a veteran, a writer, a recent college graduate, a best friend to Susan (Whether she likes it or not), and have mad dancing skills in my kitchen.

This may be the most bizarre query you have ever read, but it is who I am and how I write: in your face, screw the rules, and make you laugh along the way. If this suits you then let me know. If not, you are welcome for the chuckles I just gave you.

Have a great day.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

“The Writer Begging For a Break”

Do you think this would work?

Author: Ticia Rani

I am...interesting. I am a writer, dreamer, mom, wife, veteran, friend, villain, and the wearer of many hats, but I don't look good in hats- go figure. I LOVE TO WRITE. I want to tell stories. I want to make you laugh, cry, and scare the crap out of you, and make you ask "why the hell did you do that?" I want to make you cheer my characters on or want to shake the crap out of them for things they say and/or do. I want to bring you along for the ride. Ready? Set?...READ!!!

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